I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
