I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
