I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
