I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
