You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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