Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
