You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
