It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
