oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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