I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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