More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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