Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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