Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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