she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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