I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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