No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
