____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
