Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
