I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
