Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
