Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
