you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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