how can u be prego again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
