you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
