Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
