Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
