I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
