This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
