he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
