Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just pee around me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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