He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We're not piercing ourselves today.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
