When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
a search helicopter?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think i got beer on your cat.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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