When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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