we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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