There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
