Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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