So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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