It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
