god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
