I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We got so high we made milksteak
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
