went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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