Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
