theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
