apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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