Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
