Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
