Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
