There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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