God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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