broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
